Happy ToonsDay!!! (aka Letters To The Past)

Hi everyone.

I recently came across a group of letters that I wrote to cartoons when I was still eating Crunch Berries and Cocoa Pebbles (Both of which I bought yesterday in tribute). I feel that cartoons today have gone off the track so it is with love and affection that I post some of the letters. I hope you enjoy them...

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Dear G.I. Joe,

I am writing in an attempt to get some clarification on issues raised in your program.
I am curious as to why it is wrong to do things like swim unsupervised or play with matches, but it seems to be completely acceptable to inflict violence without any discussion of the morale implications. It is possible, that these discussions occur off camera, however that doesn't help us to understand your blind hatred of a snake-worshipping people. I understand the religion of a snake handler may differ from your own religious convictions, but perhaps some diplomatic efforts could have been made.

                                                                                                            Sincerely, Shane


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Dear Transformers,

I find it deeply troubling that you have chosen to bring your civil war to our planet. While I understand the frustrations of inequality (ie. Decepticons can fly and Autobots have been denied this station), I do not feel that dragging an unequipped and unequal people into the war is at all acceptable. Please consider other locations for your lines to be drawn as we do not appreciate the destruction of our people an "Unfortunate Side Effect."

Also, with regards to your vehicle forms, you are in violation of a great many patents and copyrighted designs. A class action suit is being prepared against you. This will be an expensive legal undertaking as it pertains to your defense, all the more reason to consider vacating our planet.

Thank-you for your consideration

Shane

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Dear Smurfs,

While I understand that there is a language barrier between our two peoples, I do believe I can understand your language enough to get the gist of your complaints. These complaints, however, do not concern most of us and are chiefly aimed at the odd character Gargamel who has stumbled across a recipe to turn you into gold.

Perhaps if you could approach a governing body with an adequate interpreter you could plead your case and bring your nemesis to justice. Hiding has historically never been an adequate strategy, but diplomacy and justice can prevail.

Also, it has come to my attention that in a plot against your peoples, Gargamel created a female Smurf. This has a very negative message about females of our culture as it seems to imply that all women are created out of an evil plot to create disharmony and trouble in the lives of males. As I reflect upon this fact later in life, it's a life lesson I wish I had stumbled on to earlier.

Warm wishes,

Shane

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Dear Snorks

You are different coloured aquatic smurfs who are poorly thought out in design. Why do you have tubes on the top of your heads? Presumably it is for breathing purposes, but as you never surface to breath, it seems a needless appendage.

I hope your homes were in the Gulf of Mexico and have either been drilled through or coated in thick oily sludge.

Smurf off and die.

Shane

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Dear Thundercats

Why do you follow a self imposed leader who employs an annoying ratlike marsupial as a nursemaid? Did you forget that the only thing that has matured is his body? Tygra is clearly more qualified and with Panthro as his General, they could have a strong faction of Thundercats that did not rely on the soulless bear-robot Burbles for constant support against enemies.

We applaud your diplomacy but regret your leadership.

                                                                                                          Sincerely, Shane


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Dear He-Man

Wow. You guys are well put together. I have a theory that Eternia is Latin for "Land of Steroids and Estrogen." It does raise questions about the power that you wield. It seems that "The Power Of Grayskull" is the power to melt away pink vests and get a sudden canned tan. Can you elaborate on this?

Two more quick questions. How is Skeletors head attached to his blue muscled frame, and can you get my digits to the sorceress.

Shane

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Dear M.A.S.K

Congratulations! You are the winner of a complimentary completely NON-MAGNETIC Droid head warmer. As there are no magnets in the droid head warmer, it will cause no damage to your droid at all! Obviously if there were magnets, this could destroy the delicate electronics of your droid but we promise no magnets in this Droid Head Warmer. What could be safer! Please apply immediately to the head of your droid and sit back as your droid is not destroyed!

Sincerely,

                                                 Uncle Allan's Non-Magnetic Droid Head Warmer Company
                                                  (A Subsidiary of Magnetron labs)

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Dear Punky Brewster

We're sorry that you started to develop and had to suddenly become a cartoon. We are also sorry that you accidentally acquired some sort of Irish Magic Casting Rat that followed you around like an orphan which must have made you jealous. YOU are the orphan, and your magic was the magic of love and laughter.

On the other hand, Glomer could do anything (except make Shaundoon come back). This must have been frustrating for you. Just know that you and Henry comprised our favourite non-interracial orphan family.

In short, the "Glomer Eradication Kit" consists of a pillowcase and a few bricks. Simply add Glomer to the kit, and add the kit to a nearby pond.

With much affection,

Shane

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Dear Ewoks


You SUCK! But I like you more than Droids.


Shane